shaping children's faith through story

Tag: death

Mommy, why didn’t God answer our prayers?

We all know the right answers. God doesn’t give us what we want because God knows what’s best for us. God can answer our prayers with yes, no, or wait. God answers our prayers in ways that we don’t understand.

But this time, I responded differently. For several weeks my kids had seen me praying for someone who ultimately died. And although all of those responses are true, they place the burden of responsibility on God for not stepping in like we had asked, instead of on the enemy where it rightly belongs. Death is the work of the thief who steals, kills, and destroys. Jesus came that we might have life, and have it to the full. So nothing about death was God’s will, except that Jesus submit to its horrors in order to swallow it up forever. God is sovereign over death but not responsible for it.

So this time I reminded them of the Story. I had them tell me how God created a perfect world, where there was no such thing as death, sickness, or pain. And God created us to enjoy this world under God’s leadership. But we wanted to be in charge of our own lives, so God’s perfect creation was broken by sin. But Jesus redeemed us through His death on the cross, and He will someday return to make all things new.

And then as I do with so many other hard topics, I put my grief and confusion in the context of this Story; because we are still waiting for Jesus’ return, our world is still subject to death. And Jesus’ promise wasn’t that we could escape this brokenness, but that because of His victory on the cross we’d never have to endure it alone. And it won’t be like this forever.

Yet we pray for healing because sometimes God breaks in to perform miracles that remind us of who He is and His promise to someday heal and bring life to the whole world! So we hope that this will be one of those times when God breaks in to do something unusual, something miraculous.

And then we probably moved on to noticing the birds out the window. Or talking about the Octonauts’ Captain Barnacle. Or laughing about a funny sound one of us made. How I love our days!

But now between us grownups, I’m going to be really honest. I’ve tracked quite a few miles with the Lord, and my faith has suffered some hard blows because I’ve felt led to pray that people would be healed who have gone on to die. And so I’ve had seasons of really doubting my relationship with God. Maybe God would have healed them if I’d had more faith (like people in Africa). Maybe God would have stepped in if I had exercised more authority (like other denominations). Maybe things would be different if I had fasted more (like the really devoted Christians).

Maybe. But frankly, those theologies haven’t born good fruit in my life. They’ve weighed me down with accusation, filled me with doubt, and created distance between me and my heavenly Father. And that realization has caused me to take a closer look, primarily at biblical teaching but also at my own experiences and the testimonies of others.

So why bring it up on a parenting blog? Well, these experiences impact how I teach my kids to pray for the sick. And while I know that there’s a lot I don’t understand and even more that I could do better, I also know that I’ve been gifted with life experience and a seminary education. So I offer some of my conclusions about the miraculous, here, especially for those of you who might also be asking “Why?”


Miracles are signs that point to who God is and what God is doing (and promises to one day do) in the world. In the second volume of his systematic theology, James McClendon wrote “In Scripture the idea of miracle… or as in John’s Gospel and elsewhere, “sign” (semeion)—does not suppose the irruption of God into a nature from which God is usually absent, but does reckon that God may act within nature (where he is already present) vividly to display the divine intention for nature… Miracles, in short, are signs, divine actions within creation in which the presence of God shines forth in power for (creative, and especially) redemptive ends” (Doctrine 185-186). I was introduced to this idea in seminary, and while it obviously had an impact on me even back then, it has made even more sense as I’ve lived with it over time. For example, the human body is designed for optimum function/ health. All of our systems work together in a synergistic relationship to promote life. But in our broken and fallen world, the body cannot always support life (or heal itself) in the way that it was designed. And so we live with malignant tumors and death. So when my friend’s dad’s stage 4 cancer was miraculously cured without any treatment, this wasn’t God working outside of the natural process, but God powerfully working such that his body was able to act in accordance with God’s divine intention for his body, and also in a prophetic foreshadowing of the ultimate resurrection and healing that will someday come to all who have died in Christ.

Miracles are not normative, but there have also been many times in history of heightened miraculous activity, one of which is prophesied still to come, before the return of Christ. I personally know several people who have seen God answer their prayers for physical healing in miraculous ways, though I do not know that any of my prayers have been answered in this way. Nevertheless, I continue to pray that I will be a part of it! But I also resist the temptation to feel rejected while waiting to see God’s glory in that particular way.

Miracles are God’s grace (and not our right)! I don’t know why God chooses to heal some and not others, but I believe our response to healing should always be that of simple gratitude (as opposed to entitlement). God promises to heal when Jesus returns to make all things new. Samuel Whitefield claims that at the cross, Jesus secured the promises that will be fulfilled at his return. It was as if the cross was the betrothal where Jesus paid for and became legally bound to His bride. But just like that bride-to-be, we are still waiting for the fulfillment of some of those promises, one of which is the restoration of our bodies.

God wants us to ask for miracles. The gospels are full of people who pleased Jesus by their faith and asking! Over and over again we are commanded to pray and bring our desires before the throne of grace. Furthermore, the parable of the widow and the unjust judge very specifically teaches us to keep bringing the same requests to God because God is good and wants to respond to our cries for help. Even so, we’re still living in a broken and fallen world. So God’s promise is to be with us in the pain, not remove it from our midst.

And finally, God’s heartbreaking “no” brings us face to face with the devastation of this world’s darkness, that we might bear greater witness to the Light that cannot be overcome. This final conclusion has come into clearer focus for me with this most recent loss. The man whose death prompted my kids’ questions went to be with the Lord on Holy Thursday, while I was preparing our annual Seder dinner. This is an adaption of the symbolic Passover meal that Jesus shared with his disciples on the night he was betrayed. In it we remember the gift of Jesus’ body and blood that redeemed us from sin and death. So as my heart ached for my friend’s loss, I was reawakened to the depth of our need for the Savior. As articulated by Rachael Denhollander, “We can tend to gloss over the devastation of… suffering… with Christian platitudes like ‘God works all things together for good,’ or ‘God is sovereign.’ Those are very good and glorious biblical truths, but when they are misapplied in a way to dampen the horror of evil they ultimately dampen the goodness of God. Goodness and darkness exist as opposites. If we pretend that the darkness isn’t dark, it dampens the beauty of the light.”

So let us not shy away from the hard parts of the Story. Let us pray boldly for miracles. Let us grieve deeply the brokenness of our fallen world. Let us stand firm in our identity as God’s beloved. And let us celebrate the coming bridegroom King who will defeat death forever!

When will I die, Mom?

Today the question came during lunch, right in the middle of our Bible story. But it wasn’t the first time that my three year old has asked. Just yesterday we were working together in the kitchen when she started to sing, “This is my home. When I die I’ll be with Jesus and there will be rainbows all the time!” Last week she prayed that we would die together. I think her interest began about three weeks ago with the unexpected death of our young goat. So I understand where it is probably coming from, but it’s still a little unnerving.

This isn’t new territory for us. In a previous post, I described our approach to a similar season of curiosity when my son was three, prompted by the loss of a baby chicken immediately followed by that of my grandfather.

But this time around has felt a lot heavier. Our standard response has been that most people die when they’re very old. But then last week, in the midst of my daughter’s questions, a four year old boy from my Bible study class drowned in a tragic accident. Both as a teacher and a mom, how can I help but rehearse his panic in those final moments? And then, of course, there’s the chaos of the world, at large…

Yet here we are in our Bible study reading the book of Hebrews, studying God’s rest and anchoring hope.

So what is our hope in such a terrifying world where children drown and experience all kinds of other unspeakable horrors? I know that our hope is heaven and it will be more wonderful than anything we can imagine. But what about the journey to get there? That’s what keeps me up at night. What difference does my faith make for that? What hope can I offer my little disciples when I am personally living in such fear, compulsively imagining both the suffering of others and terrifying possibilities of our own futures? I know I’m not telling God’s story when captivated by fear, so I had to ask, “God, what is our hope?”

And then God reminded me. Two months ago I was assigned to teach those four year olds about the stoning of Stephen, Christianity’s first martyr, whose face shone with God’s glory in death. As I described in a previous post, I was practicing the lesson around our breakfast table when my three year old asked if God sent an angel to shut the angry men’s mouths (as God had with the lions in Daniel’s den). “No, this time God did not send an angel to rescue him… This time, God’s Holy Spirit filled his heart with peace and opened his eyes to see Jesus!” I immediately fell in love with this story’s power to shape our kids’ imaginations and expectations for God’s presence in death.

And yet here I was, imagining a child’s death without such comfort. But my heart was now open to new possibilities. Could the child who drowned have seen Jesus and been filled with God’s peace as had Stephen? Oh God, could it ever be? Could we ever rest in this assurance? Are there any other examples in Scripture of You accompanying people in death?

And then God reminded me of the fourth man walking around in the fiery furnace with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. And Peter’s peaceful sleep in prison while awaiting his execution. And John’s vision of Jesus on the island of Patmos. Though these three stories all happen to end in God’s miraculous deliverance, the men were nevertheless preparing for their imminent deaths when they experienced God’s supernatural presence. And then I was reminded of historical testimonies of martyrs whose tongues were cut out to stop their songs of praise during torture and burning* along with my own friends and loved ones who began hearing from God and seeing Jesus in the days leading up to their deaths.

And then I remembered my own earlier claim to those faith-filled four year olds: Jesus promised to be with his followers always, even to the ends of the earth. And the Holy Spirit helps us believe him.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

Psalm 139:7-12 (italics added)

God is with us; we don’t have to fear those final moments before Jesus brings our children home! Our fall into sin separated us from God, but this was the weight that Jesus willingly bore on the cross. He testified to this experience of desolation by crying out in his last moments, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” But at his death, that curtain of separation was torn from top to bottom and we were given direct access to our holy God. At Jesus’ resurrection, death was defeated and the grave lost its power. After his ascension, the Holy Spirit returned to indwell our hearts.

The gospel of John declares that all who believe in Jesus [with the faith of a child] become children of God. So given my desire to comfort my own children, it is inconceivable to me that their heavenly Father would leave them to experience the moments of their greatest anguish all by themselves. Yes, they will experience pain and loss and fear. But they will absolutely not do it alone. Only Jesus had to endure that. When I can’t hold them, they will rest in the arms of the One who is more knowing, present, powerful, and loving than I could ever be.

This is my hope. This is our story. We need not fear or grieve as those who have no hope, not only because our physical deaths do not end our lives, but also because neither we nor our children will suffer alone. Jesus will be with us always, even to the ends of the earth.


* For those who believe these to be mere psychological realities, I have recently marveled at the extreme kindness (and brilliance!) of a Creator who would wire into our bodies the ability to disassociate our psyches from such terrible experiences. So whereas some might interpret this as meaning God wasn’t present in these circumstances, I see it as only further evidence of God’s great care.

Why didn’t God save Stephen?

I think our kids need to hear about the martyrdom of Stephen. Mine are too young for all of the details, but even at 3 and 5 they can begin to see different ways in which Jesus’ promise to be with his disciples always holds true, even when the rescue doesn’t come. As an aside, I don’t know that I would have chosen to talk much about death, yet, if our grandparents’ deaths hadn’t already forced it. Nevertheless, at some point all of our kids need to hear about God’s faithful presence in death because they’ve already heard so many other biblical stories of God’s heroic rescue from death.

Let me explain. In a cursory reading, the Bible may not be immediately reflective of our experiences as followers of Christ. Woah. Wait. What?! By no means am I challenging Scripture’s truthfulness or relevancy. But by its very nature the Bible tells the noteworthy stories in Israel’s history. It compresses entire lifetimes into a few pages of highlights, years of waiting and struggle into a single sentence. But that sentence is often where we live.

Therefore, by faithfully reading these Bible stories to our children, I think we can unintentionally set them up for disappointment by constructing a world in which God always acts in these miraculous ways when we faith-fully pray for them.

And let’s be honest; this disappointment can devastate our faith.

But God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, God’s ways higher than ours. And we still live in a deeply fallen world. So stories like Stephen’s (told in Acts 6-7) can give our children a template for believing God’s promises and expecting God’s presence even through suffering.

And that template can save their faith.

As I was telling my own kids this story, my three year old asked if God sent an angel to shut the angry men’s mouths (as God had with the lions in Daniel’s den, which we’d read earlier that morning). “No, this time God did not send an angel to rescue him… This time, God’s Holy Spirit filled his heart and opened his eyes to see Jesus!” Though I hadn’t before considered the value in doing so, in that moment I felt so thankful for the chance to begin shaping my kids’ imaginations to expect God’s presence in death.

Our kids are going to suffer. People for whom they pray will probably die. They may even be persecuted. So let us resist the tendency to tell stories only of God’s miraculous intervention. Let us also tell these harder stories now, that our kids’ faith might be better prepared to stand through the storms that will inevitably come.

And now for full disclosure... I didn't have the brilliant idea of introducing my preschoolers to Christianity's first martyr on my own. We're going through the book of Acts in Bible Study Fellowship, and it just so happened that I was assigned to teach this lesson to a group of 3-4 year olds. It felt quite daunting, but I obviously came to love the story. Here's my script for that lesson, if anyone wants a better idea of how I taught it, hopefully in an age-appropriate way!

How will Jesus get Grandad’s body out of the ground?

The single event that has had the greatest impact on our family’s conversations was probably my grandfather’s death. Adam had just turned 3. We live on a small farm and only weeks before had brought home 8 piglets in order to process them in the fall. For this reason we’d begun talking about how when living things die their bodies feed other living things. We had also just hatched out 15 baby chicks, one of which ended up dying. When my son asked if we were going to eat her I explained that no, Daddy had buried her body in the ground. He was rightfully confused by this, so I described how we had covered the chick’s body with soil so that it could give life to the worms and bugs.

Thus, one of his first questions upon hearing of Grandad’s death was “Who is going to eat him? Will it be the worms and the bugs?” Praying for wisdom, I explained that Grandad’s spirit was now alive with Jesus, but that we were going to put his body in a special box called a coffin that would be lowered into the ground, buried, and left there. I then proceeded to share how someday Jesus will return to make all things new. When that happens, he will make Grandad’s body alive, again!*

Outside of this very particular context, I probably wouldn’t have talked with my three year old about death, heaven, and the promised restoration of all things. But I think we were simply walking out Deuteronomy 6:4-9, which instructs parents to talk with their kids about the Lord as they go about their daily lives. Adam continued to ask a lot of questions, especially about the burial. Thankfully, my mom is a retired school counselor so I was able to check in with her when I felt insecure about our responses.

That summer and fall a lot of Adam’s play had to do with death. He would put a stuffed animal into a box and then ask me to attach strings onto the corners so that we could lower it into a “grave.” But we would also pretend that we were seeing Jesus returning on the clouds. He still asks when each of us is going to die. I tell him that most people die when they’re really old, like his great-grandpa. He then asks when he’ll be really old, and I explain that he will likely grow up to become a teenager, and then a young man. He might then get married and become a daddy, and then a grandpa, and then a great grandpa. I often conclude by smiling and widening my eyes, a bit, before saying something like, “and then when it’s time for our bodies to die, our spirits will get to be with Jesus until he returns to make all things new! And then, everyone who loves him will come alive, again, to be with him forever!” My goal is always to hold in tension the need to relieve his anxiety, while also refusing to promise things that could leave him feeling blindsided should tragedy occur. I also want him to internalize the truth that our physical deaths are not the end of our stories.

One of my son’s recurring questions has been how Jesus will get Grandad’s body out of the ground. “Will he dig him up?” Adam wonders. I typically respond by slowing down, widening my eyes, and whispering with a mixture of excitement and wonder, “We don’t know how God’s going to do it; that’s one of the mysteries! We just know that the Bible says God will.”

One deficit of our modern, technological, post-enlightenment culture is that we don’t leave room for much of the mystery that the human spirit intuitively respects. Lately I have been learning to express confidence in God while articulating all that I don’t yet understand. We do ourselves a disservice when we either claim to know more than what we do, or when we believe our lack of understanding is necessarily a problem to be solved. The apostle Paul claimed that “now we see in a mirror dimly, but [someday we shall see] face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known” (1 Cor. 13:12). I was recently struck by Paul’s outburst at the end of Romans 11: “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!” Whereas we tend to see God’s inscrutability  as a barrier for faith, Paul indicated that our lack of understanding (coupled with confidence in God’s goodness) could actually inspire faith! All of that is to say that I’m very careful to say “I don’t know” when I don’t know. But I try to communicate delight in these mysteries, as opposed to resignation.

I wanted to write this post not so much to share about my grandpa’s death, as much as to give you context for so many of our recent conversations. If you do know children who are walking through personal grief The Dougy Center, Centering Corporation, and Compassion Books all provide age-appropriate resources for bereaved families. Local Hospice organizations often offer support groups for kids and would know of other local resources. Please do not use this post about worldview to gloss over a young child’s very real experiences of grief and loss!

May God bless you with sensitivity, grace, and wisdom as you experience the brokenness of this world with the little disciples God has entrusted into your care!

 

* My theology of heaven, Jesus’ return, and the earth’s future has been largely shaped by NT Wright’s Surprised by Hope. I will warn you that it is fairly academic. John Eldridge has recently written a book entitled All Things New that presents a similar theological perspective in an entirely different style. If you are interested in either of these, you may want to read reviews to determine which would be a better fit. I would say Wright is thorough and systematic whereas Eldridge is more emotive and imaginitive (much of the book is quotations from Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series and Lewis’ Narnia books).

Why did they put thorns around Jesus’ head? Easter and shame

Last year I had tried to avoid teaching my two year old about the crucifixion, even talking with his Sunday School teachers before Palm Sunday and Easter in order to learn what would be covered in their lessons. My son discovered the illustrations from his children’s Bible on his own.

To quote Daniel Tiger, “I have mixed up feelings” in regards to celebrating Easter with little ones. My questions center around two concerns. First, most toddlers have had few experiences with death. Given their struggle to understand its finality, it seems confusing to introduce the concept using the story of a man who dies only to rise three days later. Second, I am uncomfortable teaching young children about personal sin, guilt, and substitutionary atonement during a developmental phase characterized by a growing awareness of shame and a yet emerging sense of self.

I know that sin has left humanity deeply flawed and in desperate need of salvation. Yet the very first thing the Bible tells us about people is that God described Adam and Eve as “very good.” So I want my children to be deeply rooted in their identity as beloved and created in the image of God before being taught that their personal sinfulness demanded Jesus’ suffering. I have wrestled with  shame my entire life. I can’t help but wonder if some of this wasn’t exacerbated by an early understanding that my sin was responsible for putting Jesus on the cross.

So how does our family do Holy Week? Last year we emphasized Easter as being when we celebrate God bringing new life. We wore new clothes,  celebrated new buds and flowers, and generally just tried to exude inordinate amounts of energy and joy. This year will be very different. In June my grandfather died. Someday I’ll write a post on that [update 2/18/18: How will Jesus get Grandad’s body out of the ground?], but its relevance to Easter is that death and resurrection have been prominent topics of conversation in our home, these last 9 months.  Several days ago I’d mentioned that strawberry season was coming up in June and my three year old asked if June is when Jesus will come back to make all things new!

In Surprised by Hope NT Wright shares the early Church’s understanding that “God was going to do for the whole cosmos what he had done for Jesus at Easter” (93). This has been our emphasis for the past year; someday Jesus is going to come back to make all things new. And when he does, those who loved Jesus (like my grandpa) will come alive again to be with him forever. We have been putting the crucifixion in this context. God created a perfect world; people chose to believe Satan’s lie instead of trusting God, ushering in brokenness, pain, and death; Jesus came to rescue us by trusting God where Adam and Eve failed; the leaders didn’t believe that Jesus was king and so they killed him; God made Jesus alive again; many of Jesus’ friends continue being imprisoned and killed because people still don’t believe that Jesus is king; someday Jesus will return to make all things new.

The Bible story book that we used first to tell the story of Easter was Read Aloud Bible Stories. I loved this one because all it says about the crucifixion is “What a sad day! Bad men didn’t like Jesus. They put him on a cross. And he died.” The rest of the story is about the resurrection. After that we used My First Bible by Good Books. It has since been republished as Lion First Bible. This one is much more involved, but doesn’t yet connect Jesus’ death with the children’s sinfulness. Finally, The Jesus Storybook Bible feels the heaviest of the three we’ve used, but I think it is excellent. It is the first to really mention the crucifixion’s role in God’s plan of redemption, but it is explained in its universal context as opposed to an individualistic one. After tracing sin’s destruction throughout the entire story of the Bible Jones comes to the point of Jesus’ death and explains, “The full force of the storm of God’s fierce anger at sin was coming down. On his own Son. Instead of his people. It was the only way God could destroy sin, and not destroy his children whose hearts were filled with sin” (307).

Of course this is just my opinion and our approach. This year when Adam asks “why” in reference to the particulars of the story (“Why did they put thorns around Jesus’ head? Why did they want him to die?”), I am generally responding with historical and political reasons, rather than theologically interpreted ones (“They were worried that people would start obeying Jesus instead of Caesar,” vs. “Jesus had to take the punishment for our sin.”). Next year will probably be completely different. Just in the last few weeks we’ve started identifying some of his behaviors and attitudes with “sin.” So by next year we may totally feel ready to discuss Jesus’ death in these terms. But for now we’re holding off. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comment section!



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