Mommy, why does she have a wife?

If I had been asked this question four years ago, I wouldn’t have known what to say. But one day at a playground with friends, another mom asked what I thought about same-sex marriage. I told her I didn’t know. I’d grown up thinking that homosexuality was a sin. But some of my favorite seminary professors taught that we had misinterpreted the Bible, and that consensual gay sex wasn’t wrong. So I really didn’t know what to think. But I was ok with that; I’ve never felt the need to have an opinion on everything. I’d spent the past several years creating a home and raising babies. I was wrestling with sleep training, not sexual identity.

But her question got me thinking. Not having an opinion on social and political issues, or analyzing someone else’s relationship with God, was one thing when talking with adults. But being unprepared for important conversations with my kids felt like quite another. I knew the time was coming when it would be they, and not my married friends, who would be asking these questions. And if I learned anything in seminary, it was that early messages matter. So I began reading and listening, first to straight theologians and pastors, but then to those who have personally wrestled with their sexual and gender identities. They have come to various conclusions as to the Bible’s teaching on sexuality. But all of their stories have been gifts to me, both challenging my assumptions and helping to clarify my understanding of God’s word. And now the time has come for me to actually communicate these convictions to my kids.

In full disclosure, we haven’t had this entire conversation yet. I’ve often heard the advice to keep things simple. So we’ve only talked about bits and pieces of these topics, as they’ve come up. Nevertheless, I know that the new school year will likely bring new questions, so I want to be prepared to communicate well when the time comes. Our kids pick up on our discomfort with hard topics. So my hope is that in really thinking through and articulating these things, now, I can communicate simply and honestly, when it really matters. Because as Stan and Brenna Jones have articulated in How and When to Tell your Kids about Sex, first messages are the most potent.

And so I offer my words to you, friends, that they might spur you on to think through your own responses to these hard questions. For the sake of clarity, I’ve written the child’s questions in bold, with my responses in regular type. Also, I should note that my kids are in the first and second grades. I know that this will be an evolving conversation and will look very different after we’ve talked in more depth about puberty and sexual desire. But prior to having those major conversations about those topics, this is how I will likely respond to their questions now.

Mommy, why does she have a wife?

This is one of those areas where we believe that the Bible teaches something different than what most people in our broader culture believe. In our country, marriage is seen as a special promise between two people who love each other, no matter who they are. That means that anybody can get married, whether they are men or women. We agree that marriage is a special promise, but believe that the Bible describes Christian marriage as a unique relationship bringing together a man and a woman to become a new family.

But why does it have to be a man and a woman? Well, can you remember what the Bible says will happen when Jesus’ returns to the earth on the clouds? He’ll make all things new and be with us forever? That’s right! Jesus’ coming is described as a wedding, and the Church is called “the Bride of Christ.” So the Bible says that human marriage between a man and a woman- taking two people who are fundamentally different, and uniting them together to make a new family- is a picture of how someday God will bring Jesus and the church together. So since this is what marriage represents- God bringing together two things that are completely different- two men or two women don’t reflect that.

But what if I don’t care about representing Jesus? Can I just have a regular marriage? Doesn’t God just want us to love others? Hmmm. Those are really good questions. And the simple answer is yes, when you grow up, you’ll be able to marry whoever you like, whether a man or woman. But here’s the thing. God made our hearts to be most deeply satisfied when we’re following God’s good plans for our lives.

And I don’t believe that marriage between two men or two women is God’s best plan. So I don’t think that will lead to your deepest joy. I love being married to your dad, but my moments of deepest joy are when I’m feeling close to God. If you, Adam, don’t want to marry a woman, or if you, Lydia, don’t want to marry a man, that tells me that God’s good plan for your lives doesn’t include marriage, at least not then. Can you think of people we know or have read about who have done amazing things without being married? Daniel, Jesus, the apostle Paul in the Bible, and then Corrie Ten Boom, Harriet Tubman, Gladys Allyward, Eric Liddell, Amy Carmichael, Christopher Yuan, and your friends Kathy, Jeni, and Miss Cheryl? Great remembering! And what are some things they’ve been able to do because they weren’t married? (with significant prompting, I imagine!) Daniel served in the royal court of Babylon. Paul traveled around the world telling people about Jesus. Corrie Ten Boom and her sister Betsy hid Jewish people in their secret room. Harriet Tubman led hundreds of slaves to freedom on the Underground Railroad. Gladys Allyward traveled around China unbinding little girls’ feet and then led 100 children through the mountains to safety during a war. Eric Liddell won a gold medal in the Olympics and then became a missionary. Amy Carmichael rescued girls from being temple slaves and became their mother. Christopher Yuan travels all over speaking in churches and teaching people how to follow Jesus. Kathy was a college professor who loved her students and helped them believe in themselves. Jeni is a missionary who helps women who used to be slaves. Miss Cheryl shares God’s love with homeless people and wants to tell people about Jesus in jails. That’s right! God does want us to love others. And being married and raising children are one of the main ways many people love and serve one another. But marriage isn’t the only way to love people. And God has made some special people to love and serve others without being married. Sometimes we call this “singleness.” These people often have more energy to love those outside of their own families.

But I love my friends. Does that make me gay? No, loving your friends doesn’t make you gay because there are different kinds of love. My love for pizza is very different than my love for your Daddy! The Bible actually uses 4 different Greek words that are all translated into the English word, “love.” Three of them— “storge,” which is how babies love their mommies, “phillia,” which is the love between good friends, and “agape,” which is the unconditional love of God—are wonderful for boys to feel for other boys, and girls to feel for other girls. In fact, God made us to love each other in these 3 ways! But the 4^th kind of love, “eros,” is a different, romantic kind of love that makes grown ups want share their entire bodies with each other, the way God designed people to do in marriage. That’s the kind of love that Daddy and I have only for each other. And that kind of love- eros- should only grow between one man and one woman.

So is God mad at gay people? Absolutely not! But tell me what you mean by “gay people.” That’s a tricky phrase that can mean a couple of different things. I’m meaning people who want to marry someone like themselves- a man who wants to marry another man, or a woman who wants to marry another woman. That’s a great clarification; thank you for explaining what you meant! First of all, it’s not a sin for a man to want to marry another man, or for a woman to want to marry another woman. Wanting something that God says “no” to is a temptation, not a sin. The Bible says that even Jesus was tempted to want things that God said “no” to in the wilderness, and He was the perfect son of God! All of us are tempted to want things that aren’t God’s best for us. At night when you go to bed I’m tempted to make myself a batch of chocolate chip cookies! And is God angry with me for being tempted? No way! Does being tempted show how bad I am? No way! The Bible says that God loves us and is with us, helping us to stand firm when we’re being tempted to want what isn’t God’s best for us.

But what about when I choose to ignore the Holy Spirit’s help, and I don’t stand firm? Is God mad then?  Well, what does the Bible tell us in Psalm 103? The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever. He does not treat us as our sins deserve, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth so great is His love for those who fear him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Yeah. The Bible says that it was while we were still separated from God that Jesus died for us. God is love. So even if people are ignoring God, God still loves them.

But aren’t they bad, since they haven’t asked Jesus to forgive them? They may be separated from God, but that doesn’t make them bad. There are still many areas of their lives that beautifully reflect God, because they were created in God’s image. So I believe they bring God glory just by being who God designed them to be! The way they “storge love” and “phillia love” one another, and how they serve one another reflects God. The way they welcome others into their home reflects God. The way they’re caring for children glorifies God. There are many parts of their lives that are very good, because they were made in God’s image. But even though there are many ways in which they do reflect God, I don’t believe their “eros love,” or their marriage, is one of them. But let me ask you a question: We’re created in God’s image, too. But are any of us good enough to be saved without Jesus? No. That’s right. We are all created in the image of God, and we all need Jesus to forgive our sin so that we can be with him forever.

But they’re not followers of Jesus, right? That’s a really tough one. Let me ask you a question. When I was impatient with you, this morning, was that a sin? Yes. And did it stop me from being a Christian? No. What about you, when you got mad and hit me, yesterday, was that a sin? Yes. Were you still a child of God? Yes. Now, when I was impatient with you and when you hit me, were we reflecting Jesus? No. And what were the consequences? We hurt one another and felt lonely. Right. So we can sin, and even have consequences for sin, while still being children of God.

Now, the Bible also says that if we know God’s word and continuously choose to ignore God, that is really serious, because when the Holy Spirit is working in our hearts, God changes us to become more like Jesus. It doesn’t mean that we’re perfect. But it does mean that we’re wanting to become more like Him.

So I don’t know if they’re followers of Jesus because I don’t know their hearts.

The other tricky thing is that while the Bible is perfectly true, our understanding of it is not. The apostle Paul says it’s like looking through a glass dimly, which always makes me think of a foggy window. And some of the Greek words in the Bible can actually mean different things. It’s like in our book about archeology– scientists take everything that they know- there’s a bone, here, and an arrowhead, here, and spots where the poles were, here, and a burned spot there- and they put together the pieces to show what life was probably like a long time ago. But there’s a chance that they haven’t gotten the pieces together quite right because they weren’t actually there. Now, does their misunderstanding of the truth change what actually happened? No. Well, it can be a little like that when understanding the Bible. God’s word is completely true. God doesn’t change based on what we think. So we do our best to know God by understanding God’s word! And most of the Bible is clear. But since it was written in a different time, language, and culture, there are some things we just don’t understand, yet.

Our church believes that God’s plan for Christian marriage is to be between one man and one woman. But there are other churches that believe differently. I disagree with them, but anyone who says that they love Jesus with all their hearts and whose lives show the evidence of the Holy Spirit’s fruit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control, sure looks like a follower of Jesus to me! I believe following God’s design for marriage and singleness is very important. But I can’t say that someone else isn’t following Jesus because we disagree about this.

We just can’t know what God is doing in someone else’s life. It’s like in The Horse and His Boy, when Shasta asks Aslan what happened to Aravis. Do you remember how Aslan responds? He says he’s telling Shasta his own story, and that he doesn’t tell anyone anybody’s story except his own. Yeah. It reminds me of the story in the Bible when Jesus is talking to Peter after being raised from the dead. It’s in John 21. Jesus had just told Peter that someday Peter would be killed the way Jesus, himself, had been killed. Peter sees John and asks Jesus, “Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to him, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me.” This tells me that it’s usually not our job to figure out what God is doing in someone else’s life or what God wants them to do. But we are responsible to obey what God is saying to us. And we think the Bible says that gay marriage is wrong for followers of Jesus. Our choices are either to marry someone of the opposite sex or to discover all of the good that God has for us in singleness.

Alright, grownups Remember that this is going to be an evolving conversation with many layers. So the way I’ve responded to young elementary kids might be overly simplistic in just a few years. Or this may be way too much for your kids. Nevertheless, I believe these to be important foundations that will both satisfy my kids’ questions and can be later built upon as they grow and encounter new situations. In summary, here are a few of my key convictions that I want to make sure my kids catch.

• God loves all people. Created in God’s image, all people reflect God’s goodness and are worthy of respect. As a group, straight Christians have too often failed to live out this truth of God’s love for LGBTQ people. So we have a lot of baggage to work through before this love will be easily received. Furthermore, within many evangelical churches our kids will naturally pick up on prejudicial attitudes toward the LGBTQ community unless we are intentional in dismantling both the theology and pride and that can lead to straight people’s feelings of superiority, and same-sex attracted kids’ feelings of shame and inferiority. So this is an area to which we’ll need to give particular attention as our kids grow.

• Many followers of Jesus experience same-sex attraction. Most people would describe this experience as being gay. Our kids may be among those who love the Lord with their whole hearts, souls, minds, and strength and yet find themselves wrestling with their sexuality (and gender identities).

• In our country, marriage is seen as a special promise between two people who love each other, no matter who they are. That means that anybody can get married, whether they’re men or women. We agree that marriage is a special promise, but believe that the Bible describes Christian marriage as a unique relationship bringing together a man and a woman to become a new family.

• If a man doesn’t want to marry a woman, we believe that God has good plans for him as a single man. If a woman doesn’t want to marry a man, we believe that God has good plans for her as a single woman. Though we agree with the broader culture that sexual desire isn’t chosen and insist upon the truth that God loves and accepts gay people just as they are, we disagree with the logic that homosexual desires are therefore worthy of being pursued.

• The Bible is perfectly true, but our interpretation / understanding of is not. Thus, Christians believe different things about marriage. We are each responsible to God, both for our convictions and our behavior.

Dear God, thank You for allowing us to have these important conversations with our kids! Thank You for Your word, and thank You for the men and women who have humbly and courageously shared their stories of wrestling with sexual identity. Thank You for the ways in which their testimonies are helping us better understand Your word and are bearing fruit in the lives of our children. Bless them today. Please forgive us and our communities for ways in which we’ve misrepresented You and failed to love our neighbors as ourselves. And bless these parents and their children. We trust you to guide us as we raise our kids to engage their world with Your grace and truth. May we be people who rest in Your love, extend Your welcome, and are excited by Your good plans for our lives. Thank You, Lord. In Jesus’ name, Amen.